Lumina, Chapter One

Chapter 1

Ben

Brunch this Saturday. The girls are coming

 Emily

New phone. Who is this?

Ben 

😐 OMG SO WITTY!! 

Emily 8:37 AM  April 08th

I’m a fucking delight

Ben 

Mom’s lucky she only has one girl. If she had to deal with another one of you, she would have walked into the Atlantic

Brunch. Saturday.

Emily 

   Fine. 

Where?

EMILY

Spring in New York doesn't smell like flowers like it does in the suburbs. No, as the city shakes off the last of the snow, it smells like exhaust and hot dogs and pee. But I would be lying if I said the aroma of the city wasn't a balm on my anxious nerves. It's still cold enough that I'm able to wear my riding boots and jeans. We're still a few weeks away from the first heatwave. Before my anxiety can spin that one, a man calls my name. 

I look up to see my brother standing in front of a funky hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I jog the last few steps and smile up at him. 

"Emily, you okay?" Ben's deep voice pulls me from my thoughts. His blue eyes, which always seem to see right through me, are filled with concern.

"Y-yeah," I stutter, trying to put on a brave face for my older brother. Even though I know he'd never judge me, it's hard not to be embarrassed by my anxiety. "I'm fine, just... people."

He raises an imperious eyebrow. "If you want fewer people you should move upstate." 

"If I did that, who would keep an eye on you?" I give him a grin, my panic easing a little. 

He huffs a soft laugh, his arm wrapping around my shoulders in a comforting gesture before kissing the top of my head. "You've got this, sis. Just take a few deep breaths, and remember that I'm right here."

Ben has always been my rock, my protector. He's the one who held me when I cried after my first heartbreak and the one who took me under his wing during family gatherings. I've always been Ben's little sis. I know he doesn't understand my social anxiety, not completely, but he's always there to support me. It's one of the things I love most about him.

"Thanks, Ben." I smile at him, taking comfort in his presence.

"Anytime, Em." He grins back, ruffling my dark hair affectionately. He’s dislodged my messy bun and I take a moment to fix it. 

The midtown brunch spot buzzes with the cacophony of silverware on porcelain and laughter. I take a moment to breathe in the scent of freshly ground coffee, warm pastries, and subtly sweet maple syrup. As I fidget with the hem of my shirt, I can feel the familiar flutter of nerves in the pit of my stomach – a constant companion when it comes to social situations.

The restaurant is brightly decorated, with a variety of pictures and paintings adorning the walls. Each artist is represented by one or two pieces, displaying their style and technique. The tables and chairs are a deep, rich wood, a warm contrast to the cool marble floors. Patrons sit around laughing together, enjoying their meals and great conversations.

I watch the cook as he works the waffle irons, the scent of them overriding everything else and making my stomach growl. It’s almost enough makes me decide to get something other than the go-to I order every time I'm at a new brunch spot. 

But, alas, I am a creature of habit, because even if I want waffles, when it's my turn at the counter, because "eggs benedict," immediately pops out of my mouth. 

The bored cashier rings me in and I pay, take my order number on its little stand and turn to my brother. He also has his little number stand and we start to scan the crowd.  

"Over here!" My BFF Carlie calls out to us, waving enthusiastically. I resist the urge to squeal when I see her. She and Ingrid have been gone on their honeymoon for three weeks and went right into moving into a new apartment. With everything new in her life, it's been over a month since I had my bestie fix. 

"Hey guys!" Ingrid grins, her face lighting up as we approach. She holds Carlie's hand on the table and a surge of affection for the two of them rushes over me. 

"Here ya'go!" Ben pulls out a chair for me.

"Such a gentleman," I tease as I sit down, rolling my eyes playfully.

"Hey, it's what big brothers are for, right?" He winks at me before taking a seat next to me.

"Damn, Ben," Carlie says, grinning. "You sure know how to pick a brunch spot. This place is amazing!"

"Right?" Ingrid chimes in, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "I can't wait to try their Eggs Benedict."

"Me neither," I agree, smiling. Am I regretting not ordering waffles? Sure, their carby goodness calls to me, but I already paid for my eggs. Maybe I should go change my order? I look at the counter, finding that the line is stupid long now. Next time, I tell my anxious brain. There will be a next time. I force my attention back to my companions. 

Carlie is in the middle of a story about her and Ingrid's honeymoon and the cruise ship. Even as she talks about the amazing food, the headlining comedian I've never heard of but who is big in the gay scene, and the fun things they did in the port towns, everything about it sounds horrible. Of course that could be my inherent fear of open water. And people. And social situations.

"You guys, it was crazy! I have never seen so many lesbians in my entire life!" Ingrid smiles at Carlie. It's obvious to anyone with half a brain cell that while there might have been a lot of women, she is deeply in love with Carlie. And who wouldn't be? Carlie is the fucking best. 

The server comes over with our food. He hands each plate out with a detached friendliness. His many bracelets clink faintly in the din of the restaurant as he moves and he has the only understated septum piercing I've ever seen.

The four of us dive into our meals, interspersing bites with laughter and conversation. It's moments like these that make me forget about my anxiety, if only for a little while. Surrounded by people who love and accept me – even when I'm struggling – I feel truly grateful.

"Hey Em," Ben says between mouthfuls of pancakes, "have you given any more thought to taking that break from school? You know grandma and I will support whatever decision you make."

"Ugh, can we not talk about the real world right now?" Carlie groans, feigning annoyance. "Let's just enjoy this delicious food and the last days of our honeymoon."

"Babe, seriously?" Ingrid laughs. "This coming from the woman who brought her work laptop to Bora Bora?"

"Hey! That's called being responsible, thank you very much," Carlie retorts, sticking her tongue out at Ingrid. "And I'm not a fancy-pants science major." 

I want to scream, or maybe hide under the table. "But, seriously, can we not? I said I was thinking about taking a gap, not that it was for sure happening."

"Okay, fine," Ben concedes, his brow furrowing with concern as he studies my face. "But just remember, Em, we're here for you, no matter what."

"Thanks, Ben," I murmur, fiddling with the edge of the thick white napkin in my lap. My stomach churns with unease as I find myself caught between wanting to open up and fearing judgment. It's unusual for me to discuss personal matters like this, but there's something comforting about being surrounded by people who genuinely care.

"Taking a break from school isn't the end of the world, Emily," Ingrid reassures me, her fingers circling the rim of her coffee cup. "Sometimes you need to step back and reevaluate what you want out of life."

"Exactly," Carlie chimes in, pausing mid-bite of her chocolate chip pancake. "Hell, I took a year off before starting college, and look at me now! I'm doing just fine."

"Your ass is doing fine," Ingrid mutters. Based on Carlie's blush, I wasn't supposed to hear that. 

I release a slow breath, feeling the weight of their words settle within me. Fear gnaws at the edges of my thoughts, whispering doubts about the path I've chosen. But maybe they're right. Maybe it's okay to take a pause and figure things out.

"Guys, it's not about taking a break," I confess, my voice barely above a whisper. "It's more about... what if I don't go back? What if I don't find my way and end up feeling lost forever?"

"Emily," Ben says, reaching across the table to cover my hand with his. "You're one of the smartest people I know. You'll figure it out – and we'll be here every step of the way."

"Damn right, we will," Ingrid nods, her eyes filled with warmth and understanding.

"Besides," Carlie smirks, leaning in conspiratorially, "We're basically your personal cheerleaders-slash-life coaches."

I laugh at the mental image. The tension in my chest eases just a little, replaced with a flicker of hope.

"You are," I agree, my voice stronger now. "I still have time to decide what's next for me. The master's program will be there in a year, right?"

"That's true," Ben grins, raising his cup to his lips and taking a long sip.

"Yeah, take some time off, do ceramics full time and see how that feels," Ingrid agrees as she methodically cuts her food into near perfect squares. “You don’t have to worry about rent just yet anyway.”

"Maybe you can put Daniel the Ass behind you and truly start a new chapter. I like to imagine it's full of naked people covered in clay," Carlie chimes in, making us all laugh. She shares a look with Ingrid who beams.

"Speaking of new chapters," Ingrid says, her eyes shining with excitement, "Carlie and I have some big news to share. We talked it over on our trip and... we've decided to start trying for a baby!"

"What?" I exclaim, genuinely thrilled for my friends. "That's amazing! Congratulations, you two!"

"Thanks, Em," Carlie beams, her cheeks flushed with happiness. "We're really excited."

Ben looks confused. "How? I don't mean to tell you your business, but the way you two do it, you're not likely to make a baby."

Carlie giggles. "We're speaking with a few of the sperm banks--"

"And of course will probably go with the queer one that specializes in LGBT families." Ingrid chimes in.

Carlie continues. "But this is the perfect time, you know. We just moved into a bigger place. We're established in our careers. It just makes sense." Ingrid lifts Carlie's hand, giving her knuckles a kiss.

"Wow, you guys are seriously goals," I say, feeling a twinge of envy. They seem so certain about their future while mine feels like a giant mess. But I push that thought aside, focusing on the joy of my friends.

"Oh, speaking of goals," Ben interjects, drawing our attention back to him. "I got a promotion at work!" He grins proudly, and I find myself grinning with him.

"Big brother's movin' up in the world!" I tease, punching him lightly in the arm. "What does that mean for you?"

"More responsibility, more hours, but also more money and opportunities," he explains. "And to celebrate, Jaymie is throwing a party this weekend. You're all invited, obviously."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Ingrid declares. She looks at Carlie who grins at her.

"Sounds like a great time and it’s been too long since we’ve seen your lady." Carlie laughs. “Speaking of,” She continues, “Where is she?”

“Working,” Ben shrugs. “She had an event today, but made me promise to bring her some breakfast when we’re done.”

I start to open my mouth, but Ingrid gives me a direct look, tilting her head. I blink at her. Ingrid isn’t usually the one to initiate topics without Carlie.

"Okay, I've got to ask," Ingrid says, quirking an eyebrow at me. "You've been kind of quiet about the specifics on this whole school thing. What's going on?"

"Look, I don't know," I admit, staring down at my remaining egg benedict. "I'm just . . . lost, I guess. It's not like environmental science is a light subject and then with my break up at the beginning of December...  It took everything I had to actually pass my classes this semester. I thought I had it all figured out, y'know? But now, I'm not so sure." Nevermind the fact that I only signed up for an elective figure sculpting class this semester. 

"Hey, it's okay," Ben reassures me, his hand giving mine a comforting squeeze on the table.

"Totally," Ingrid chimes in. "Life's messy sometimes. Just remember that you're not alone in this."

Carlie nods emphatically. "Yeah, girl. You've got us, and we're here for you no matter what."

"Thanks, guys," I whisper before clearing my throat. "It's just, everyone else seems to have their shit together, and I'm—"

"Whoa, hold up," Ingrid interrupts, wagging a finger at me. "Let's be clear: nobody has their shit completely together. We're all just doing our best."

"True," Carlie adds. "And hey, at least you're not out on your ass and trying to figure out where your next meal is coming from."

"Or working seventy-hour weeks," Ben chimes in, rolling his eyes. "Trust me, the grass isn't always greener."

"Okay, okay, I get it," I laugh, feeling the weight of my worries momentarily lifting. "I just wish I could see the path ahead, you know?"

"Life's not about finding the perfect path," Ingrid says, sipping her coffee. "It's about creating your own."

"Woah, deep, babe," Carlie teases, but she nods in agreement. "But seriously, Emily, you're amazing. You'll find your way, and we'll be right there with you."

"Thanks, guys." A warm feeling spreads through my chest, knowing I have this support system to lean on. "You're the best."

"Enough sappy shit," Ingrid's face goes sly as she takes a bite of her food. "Speaking of new interests," she says, her eyes twinkling mischievously, "I heard this new salsa class downtown is amazing. What do you say, Em? You in?"

"Me?" I laugh nervously, shaking my head. "Dancing in public? With strangers? That's like, all my worst nightmares wrapped up into one sweaty, gyrating room."

"Hey now," Carlie chimes in, grinning wickedly. "I don't think they gyrate in salsa." She continues, her voice teasing. "You never know what you might discover if you step out of your comfort zone, Em."

"True," I murmur. "I'll think about it."

"Great!" Ingrid exclaims, clapping her hands together. "Now let's plan Ben's party! Picking the perfect theme is crucial."

Carlie waves her hand, laughing. “Oh… Iggy, no, babe.”

"Theme?" Ben raises an eyebrow, giving us a wary glance. " Jayme will kill me if I let you all plan this party."

"Come on, big brother," I grin slyly. "Where's your sense of adventure?"

"At home, working and planning an epic party." he deadpans. " Jayme has a vision and she will kill me if I try to interfere."

"How strange... you appear to be dating someone exactly like our grandmother..." I squint at him.

"She's not as bad..." he stops, his eyes going wide. "Holy Christ, I'm dating our grandmother."

Ingrid shrugs, downing the last of her coffee. "You're not the first. At least you can recognize it. Most guys can't even do that."

Ben gives a single wave of his hand in the air as if erasing her words. "Be that as it may, the party is going to be great because  Jayme is the best and you all are coming. You can worry about your life's purpose," he gives me a playfully stern stare, before looking between the lesbians at the other end of the table, "or where you're going to buy your stud jizz from later."

Carlie groans and holds her AirPods out to Ingrid who looks at them. They talk amongst themselves as Ingrid materializes the thinnest screwdriver I’ve ever seen and pops the damn thing open.

Ben leans into me, “It’s like watching a wizard perform open heart surgery on a robot.”

“Right? How do you work on something so small?” I whisper conspiratorially. But then, Ingrid is supernaturally good with computers and the like. 

“Hey,” Ben says, low enough that only I can hear. I look at him. He continues. “You’re going to be fine Em.”

I watch him and realize that, yeah, I will be. I just have to get through this tiny little existential crisis. Fuck.